October finally arrives and time to start using the fertility monitoring tests.  I called the sperm bank and placed my order.  Now I just have to wait until I see the second line the same shade of color or darker than the control line.  The morning arrives where the lines are the same so I call the nurse assigned to me at the clinic.  She calls back and informs me of the time I need to arrive the following morning for the insemination.  

The actual insemination process took about as long as a regular pap exam and no more uncomfortable than that.  Now I enter the dreaded 2 week wait.  10 days post insemination I qucickly became addicted to peeing on a stick (POAS) because I just couldn’t take the not knowing any longer.  But to my disappointment the first insem was not successful as good ‘ole auntie flo (AF) showed up at my door.

The next attempt was in late November and the process was the same as the previous attempt.  About 7 days post insem I noticed some spotting and started getting all excited thinking that this could be the implantation bleeding that I had read about.  But it quickly became more than just spotting so I called the nurse all confused because it was a little too early for AF to be here.  The nurse and I talked at great length and came to the conclusion that I probably didn’t ovulate at all and that I had a short luteal phase this month.  She made me an appointment for the following morning to come in and talk with the doctor.

The doctor asked me what I thought about trying the next cycel using clomid to increase my chances of producing fertile eggs.  We talked about the risks of a multiple birth which freaked me out tremedously since I was doing this without a partner.  But I decided to give it a try since I had told myself from the beginning that from a cost stand point I could only afford to try this process 3 times.  So I started my round of clomid.

On December 12th I went in for the internal ultra sound to look at my ovaries and the eggs that were being produced.  The doctor saw 3 viable and mature eggs, one was measured as 21, another measured at 17 and the third measured at 11.  The doctor said to get the trigger injection this evening and he would see me on Wed (December 14th) for another insem attempt.

 I arrive at the clinic the morning of the 14th, the doctor did his thing and I headed back to work and to deal with the 2 week wait again.  Having dealt with the previous months’ disappointments I told myself I was not going to torture myself with any POAS especially since it would be around the holidays.  I remember I was sitting at my computer Christmas Eve day when I got this horrible metallic taste in my mouth.  No matter what I drank, ate, how many times I brushed my teeth I couldn’t get rid of that awful taste.  Having read that it could be a sign of pregnancy I quickly ran upstairs and POAS only to get a negative result.  I was pretty much bummed the whole rest of the day and night and kept to myself alot even though I was around my family all evening.

Christmas morning when I took my shower I noticed that my chest looked like a road map with all these visible big blue veins and the water spray just killed me when it hit my breasts.  But knowing how distrught I was Christmas Eve I was not going to put myself through that on Christmas Day as well, so I put it all out of my mind.

The morning after Christmas I just couldn’t stand it anymore, the breast tenderness hadn’t gone away so I gave into temptation and POAS one more time.  Not even 5 minutes later I almost had to pick myself up off the bathroom floor because there on that little stick I could see 2 pink lines.  In shock and disbelief I quickly dressed, grab the stick and drove over to my parent’s house.  I just needed someone else to look and see if they too saw the second line.  Heaven knows what kind of look I had on my face when I walked into my parent’s house but my mom was like “What?”  So I showed her the test and she said she could see the second line too.  Not knowing if my doctor’s office was open or closed for the holiday I called anyways.  The nurse said techinically it’s still too early to be sure but she wanted me to go to the lab at the end of the week for a blood draw.  On December 29, I drove over to the lab on my lunch hour since I hadn’t told anyone at work that I suspected I was pregnant this time.  Later that afternoon the nurse called me with the results and my hcg level was at 243.  She faxed me over another lab order to have a repeat draw in a couple more days but she was farely confident that indeed I was pregnant.

I broke the exciting news to the rest of my family at our New Year’s Eve party because at that point I just couldn’t contain myself any longer.

On Jan 3rd I had a repeat blood test and my hcg level climbed to 1,484. 

January 17th the clinic scheduled me for an internal ultrasound to make sure that the yolk sac was where it was suppose to be and that everything was progressing as it should.  My mom met me at the clinic, though we knew we wouldn’t see much on this early ultrasound, she wanted to be there for moral support in case the doctor told me that there were multiple babies.  The ultrasound confirmed that there was just 1 yolk sac measuring at 7 weeks 1 day and my estimated due date was set to be September 5, 2006.

More to come……..The Pregnancy

I often get asked about my decision to become a Single Mom By Choice (SMBC) and it is something that I have been very open about since this beginning.  So what better way to document the journey than to blog about it.  This is going to be a long story so I will break it up into different posts. 

There wasn’t one single reason that led up to my decision to becoming a SMBC it was a whole host of reasons.  I’d had several go-no-where relationships, one brief engagement, and at the age of 32 I could hear the biological clock starting to tick a little.  I’ve never been the type of person to sit back and rely on someone else to help me get what I want out of life.  So in July 2005 I decided it was time to take the plunge and find out what I could about the process.

I first made an appointment with my ob/gyn at the time because I didn’t know where else to start.  At first I was expecting him to tell me I was crazy, I was too young to be worried about my biological clock, etc.  But he listened and gave me the name of a doctor/golf buddy of his that specializes in fertilty issues. 

In the meantime I went on the internet and started researching sperm banks and the associated costs with that side of the process.  I located a bank here locally and started browsing their donor list and picked about 10 donors that I liked based on their genetic traits.

I also took this time to bring my parents and brothers into the fold.  At first they were all a little skeptical, as they should have been, I mean this is a huge, life changing decision.  I remember my mom kept joking around and saying “Just remember, you can’t return a baby to the pound just because it pees on the floor”.  I remember some of the other discussions that I had with other family members and friends - just because a boyfriend/husband was in the picture doesn’t automatically mean that they would be the hands on type of father or that they would stick around for life.  A little pessimistic of me, not really, I’ve seen it happen to too many family membersand friends, things don’t work out between the 2 parents and the next thing you know, you only have your child every other weekend and have to split the holidays up every year.  Or worse yet the parent’s stay together but only for the child’s sake.  I would just rather know going in that I am soley responsible for everything and that way there would be no disappointments. 

I met with the specialist the following month and explained where I was coming from and he explained the process and the risks and so forth.  Because I hadn’t been off birth control pills for three cycles yet, the only thing we could do at this point in time was to draw some blood and find out a few things through lab work, like my blood type, if I was still immune to Rubella, HIV screening, etc.  How ironic, it turns out that the sperm bank I had research and decided to use is located right next door to the fertility clinic where I will be having the procedure done.  Talk about saving some money on shipping costs, they just walk the “goods” over the morning of the procedure.

To help pass the time during those 3 months, my mom & I narrowed my list of 10 possible donors down to 2 and I sent away for their extended medical histories. 

 Stayed tune for the next blog entry……Insem Day

Over the past couple of years my space has become so cluttered and unorganized.  For at least the last 6 months I’ve been saying that I’m going to get it all cleaned up and better organized.  But every time I go to start I am quickly discouraged because I feel so overwhelmed and I have no idea where and how to start!  So i just keep cleaning the same areas and nothing ever looks any different.

Anyone out there got any great starting out tips?

My Granny passed away Thursday March 12, 2009, the official cause of death is listed as respiratory failure.  Calling hours are Monday March 16th 4:00-8:00pm at Rader’s Funeral Home in WJ and the funeral service is Tuesday March 17th at 11:00am.

I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to handle staying in the room once the Dr removed her from the vent, especially considering I had to leave the room because I got so upset just listening to the Dr explain how things were going to go.  But somehow I managed to not only stay in the room, I was holding one of her  hands between my hands pressed on my check when she took her last breath.  I remember telling her to make sure she gave Grandpa Jack a big hug & kiss from me & Lillie when she saw him.

She went very peacefully and rather quickly once the vent was turned off.  The nurses made sure that she stayed comfortable by administering pain medications when it looked like she was fidgetting.  Once that second dose of meds was injected her fidgetting stopped and I could see that her breathing was slowing down. A couple minutes later I felt my older brother come stand behind me and he put his hand on her wrist and then on her neck to check her pulse, it was slowing down as well.  Another couple minutes passed, my Aunt Joyce walked up on the other side of the bed where my Aunt B was, and Aunt Joyce told my granny that it was ok, that we would all be ok and that she should go be with her mawmaw & pawpaw now.  A minute or two later, my granny closed her eyes and took her last breath.

Granny I know you are up there looking down on all of us and that by now you’ve already found her way to Grandpa Jack and mawmaw & pawpaw.  We are all grateful that you aren’t in pain any longer but we sure do miss you and love you very much.

This morning was my great Aunt’s funeral and while I knew it wouldn’t be an easy day I never expected it to be as hard as it was.  I had a talk with myself earlier in the morning so that I would keep it together during the service.  Too bad I didn’t listen to myself.  My eyes started welling up as soon as the first couple notes of Amazing Grace came across the speakers. 

Even hours later I am still feeling guilty that while some of the tears and sadness I was feeling today was for my great aunt, the majority of the tears and sadness was for what inevitiably lays ahead in just a matter of weeks maybe even days for my granny’s situation.  My thoughts even took me back to almost 14 years ago when I lost my Grandpa Jack (who was the first close family member that I can remember dying).  When it was my turn to walk up to the casket to pay my final respects today and I felt my mom put her arm around my shoulder I just couldn’t hold things together anymore.  I made a beeline for the exit and went outside to regain my composure. 

The afternoon and evening was a much happier occasion which was very welcomed and enjoyed.  But as I  sit here reflecting on the events of the day I can’t help but feel the sadness slowly creeping it’s way back in.

My thoughts and prayers continue to go out to Ed, Carol, Jeff and the rest of their family.

Wow I don’t even know where to start with this entry.  This evening I went to visit my granny at the nursing home, first time I’ve seen her since Christmas.  During that visit at Christmas I remember thinking, gosh she’ll be off the vent and transferred closer to home by the end of January.  Then she suffered a couple of different set backs in January, with 2 separate trips back to ICU for infections.

I am very grateful that Lillie fell asleep on the way to the nursing home this evening and she stayed out in the car with my dad while me and my mom went in to visit.  The name on the door said that was my granny’s room but that wasn’t “my granny” laying in that bed.  She just layed there and moaned and cried.  I stood beside her bed, held her hand and tried to soothe her.  It didn’t work.  I don’t even know if she recognized me and knew who I was.

More than once while I was standing there the same thought popped into my head and I feel so ashamed for thinking it.  But at the same time, that is not my granny, I believe she left a couple months ago and all that is left now is the shell of the person she used to be.  Gosh I feel so terrible for even saying (typing) these things out loud.

If you pray I would like to ask that you keep my granny in your prayers, we could sure use a miracle right about now.

Well it is official with this morning’s weigh in…..since January 1st I have now said GOOD-BYE to 10 un-welcomed pounds!!!!  I am very satisfied with the progress I have been making especially considering I have yet to incorporate a daily exercise routine.

Just a quick update on the weight loss journey.  Since the beginning of the year I am down close to 8 pounds.  Not to shabby!!!

I am struggling with getting in the exercise during the week, mainly because when I get home from work I tired and have no desire.   I know that I will be able to find some sort of schedule that will work for me, so in the meantime I am just continuing to focus on my eating habits.

I have a couple of before pictures to post on here but the feature is not allowing me to upload pictures at the moment, so I’ll have to come back to that.

That’s my update for now!

Are you looking for some great craft ideas to do with children?  Would you like a chance to win a great resource to get your child ready for PreK?   Be sure to visit this site http://www.internettoddler.com/.  It is loaded with all kinds of fun stuff for your child.

I learned just this morning that my granny was transferred back to the nursing facility yesterday.  My parents went up this morning to visit with her.  She was sleeping for the majority of their visit, until her idiot husband got there and waltzed right in her room and woke her up - UGH!!!  According to my mom, granny was having a good day, was pleasant, etc.

Fast forward to about 15 minutes when my mom calls me to let me know they are headed to the hospital because my granny is being trasported back there, with elevated blook pressure, elevated pulse and low oxygen levels.  That is all I will know until several more hours if not as last as tomorrow morning.  I just wish these stinkin doctors would make a diagnosis already.  I mean there has to be some reason why this keeps happening.